Super Mario Lightning Quest
by HelpMeImShrinking
Summary: Mario has returned from Isle Delfino and his Sunshine quest, with a new girlfriend... (surprise, surprise) Peach! Luigi, who has been crushing on Peach for years, is determined to get revenge.
1. The Tanning Salon

Super Mario Lightning Quest   
  
Err, hi. This is random...   
  
Characters Introduced in This Chapter: (Note: Other characters may be introduced during reading the chapter... you know this if you are a Mario nut like me, but if you aren't, just read this.)  
  
Mario: The main character of every single Mario game. Well, duh. What did you expect? Super MARIO Bros., Super MARIO Land, Super MARIO World, Super MARIO 64, Super MARIO... um... yeah. And since he can't talk in any of the games, we assume he has no personality. But I'll make up one along the way.  
  
Luigi: Mario's little brother. They almost look exactly the same, except that Mario's red and Luigi is green. Oh, and Luigi is taller and thinner. And smarter. Luigi, being left as second fiddle for years, is determined to get REV... oh, wait, that would be spoiling the plot.   
  
Peach: The princess-in-peril that Mario is forced to save in every game.   
  
Toad: A mushroom. No, seriously, a mushroom. Anyways, he has a mushroom on his head, he stands about one foot tall, and he's CUTE (oh and did I mention that he's in the front of my Assignment book?). He's always been Mario's assistant or something. Standing there helping out. Or being an annoyance. But oh well. His cuteness gets us every time, doesn't it?  
  
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Chapter 1   
  
The Tanning Salon   
  
Luigi: Hello, everybody! It is a fine day at the end of August. Summer fades away as fall eagerly approaches. *pauses* Oh, and you want to know where Mario is? Pssh! Who cares? I, the Honorable SUPER Luigi, have matters much more important than my stupid brother taking a break on a vacation resort on an island. Like giving to the homeless, saving animals from oil spills, supplying unfortunate third world countries with food, and... HEY! DON'T INTERRUPT ME! ... starting the "Hug A Tree" campaign, sponsoring the... SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU, STOP PRATTLING ON ABOUT MARIO AND LISTEN TO THE SUPER LUIGI! ... finding a cure for cancer... OKAY! OKAY! YOU CAN STOP YELLING ALREADY! I'LL TELL YOU WHERE MARIO IS!! God, these people are so...   
  
Fans: Mari-O! Mari-O! Mari-O!  
  
Luigi: *long pause*  
  
Luigi: At a tanning salon.   
  
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And WHY, my dear fans, OH SHUT UP ABOUT MARIO, is Mario at a tanning salon, of all places? Let's get in on the scene.   
  
Mario is basking in the warmth of the tanning machine. He has an eye protector on, to... NEWS FLASH... protect his eyes. Oh, and, by the way, he can't see.   
  
Luigi: *shoves a microphone in his face*   
  
Mario: MAMA MIA!  
  
Luigi: Hello! This is... um... Toad, from the Mushroom Kingdom Babbler. You know, the newspaper. *chuckles* These are my assistants, Toad, Toad, and Toad. Oh, and, I won't forget to mention Toad and Toad, my photographers.   
  
Mario: Why are you here?  
  
Luigi: Such a rude... um... no... I mean... such a NICE, GALLANT, and HANDSOME guy! Anyways, me and Toad, Toad, Toad, Toad, and Toad, are here to interview you. Toad, can I have the question sheet? *switches to high-pitched voice* Okay! *switches to normal voice* Thank you. Toad, will you set up your camera? Question Number One. Where did you go?   
  
Mario: Toad, I went to Isle Delfino. Weren't you and Toad, Toad, Toad, Toad, and Toad here with me?  
  
Luigi: Um... yeah. I have amnesia, though. All Toads have it. *switches to high voice* What's my name again? *switches back to normal*  
  
Mario: Um... Toad.   
  
Luigi: *high-pitched voice* Thank you! *back to normal* Anyways, describe your adventure.   
  
Mario: Well, I chased Shadow Mario all over the place, and in the end, I caught him?  
  
Luigi: Thank you. *switches to low voice* Can I take a picture now? *switches to normal* Of course, Toad! Anyways, Question Number Three. Why are you at a tanning salon?   
  
Mario: BECAUSE... I HAD A BET WITH MY STUPID KID BROTHER LUIGI!  
  
Luigi: I'M NOT A... I mean... yeah... uh... what was the bet about?   
  
Mario: Who could get tanner over the summer, because we both want the affection of Princess Peach. I mean, duh! She's sooooooooooooooooo hot! Over all these games, isn't it OBVIOUS that I have a huge crush on her?!? And, I expected to be basking in the sun on Isle Delfino, but the place turned out to be all gooped and graffitied, and I had this stupid contraption FLUDD strapped to my back, and it sprayed water at me wherever I went, SO I COULDN'T GET TAN! And meanwhile, Luigi is being a good boy and giving to the homeless, saving animals from oil spills, supplying unfortunate third-world countries, starting the "Hug A Tree" campaign, sponsoring something, and finding a cure for cancer! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!  
  
Luigi: I know, aren't I great? I mean... uh... I'm great because I helped you, right? I was there the whole time, standing in Battle City!  
  
Mario: Battle City?  
  
Luigi: OOPS that was from Yu-Gi-Oh... uh... nevermind... amnesia... uh... What's my name?  
  
Mario: TOAD YOU IDIOT!   
  
Luigi: Hey!   
  
Mario: And, in case you were wondering, Toads do NOT have amnesia!   
  
Luigi: Yes they...   
  
Mario: And there is no Mushroom Kingdom Babbler!  
  
Luigi: BUT MOM... I mean... uh... uh... yeah, I know, but Toads have... brbr  
  
Mario: *rips off eye patch. Or protector. Same difference, right?*  
  
Luigi: Uh-oh...  
  
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So. There it is. The first chapter... Um... read and comment? 


	2. Mario Eat World

Chapter 2  
  
Mario Eat World  
  
Mario: *has an intimidating look on his face*  
  
Luigi: *has an intimidatED look on his face*  
  
Mario: *takes three steps forward*  
  
Luigi: *takes three steps backwards*  
  
Luigi: *cowering in a corner*  
  
Mario: YOU. LIED. TO. ME.   
  
Luigi: Ehh... um.... err...  
  
Mario: YOU. MADE. ME. SPILL. MY. SECRET.   
  
Luigi: Uh yeah but that's not so...  
  
Mario: AND. NOW. I. WILL. GET. YOU!  
  
Luigi: Um, listen big brother....  
  
Mario: LISTEN. TO. WHAT? I. WILL. NOT. LISTEN. TO. ANY. OF. YOUR. HOPELESS. WORDS!   
  
Luigi: Eeeeeeee...  
  
Mario: GREAT. JUST. WHAT. I. NEEDED. MY. LITTLE. BROTHER. IS. TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!  
  
Luigi: I'm tan? Coooooooool!   
  
Luigi: *pretending to look stupid* Oh, wait. How did I get that tan?  
  
Mario: DON'T. ACT. STUPID. YOU. HEAR. ME? YOU. DID. IT. TO. STEAL. PRINCESS. PEACH!  
  
Mario: Who, by the way, is my GIRLFRIEND!  
  
Luigi: Finally! You finally stopped talking in caps and periods!   
  
Luigi: Wait. Peach is your... girlfriend?   
  
Mario: YEAH!   
  
Mario: If you were *making quote marks w/ fingers in Luigi's face* "Toad", then you would know that I asked Peach out on the pier on the last day of my vacation!  
  
Luigi: YOU ASKED PEACH OUT?!?  
  
Mario: YOU HEARD ME KID BROTHER!  
  
Mario: And, by the way, you're too young to date. HAHAHA! *chuckles*  
  
Luigi: OH YEAH?!? WHO SAYS?  
  
Mario: Our mom.   
  
Luigi: BUT THAT WAS WHEN I WAS... uh... TWELVE!  
  
Mario: Twelve, twenty-two, what's the difference? You're still as immature as ever!   
  
Luigi: I am NOT immature!   
  
Luigi: Look. I'm SMARTER. *pulls copy of Mario Party guide out and points*  
  
Mario: But that doesn't mean you're...  
  
Mario: Whatever. Who would ask YOU out, anyways?  
  
Luigi: ...   
  
Mario: Anyways, I have a date with BEAUTIFUL PEACH tonight! Mwahahahahah!  
  
Luigi: But...   
  
Mario: No "buts"!   
  
Mario: Bye bye, kid brother!  
  
Mario: MARIO. EAT. WORLD! 


	3. Luigi's Revenge

Chapter 3  
  
Luigi's Revenge  
  
New Characters:   
  
Bowser: He is a huge, big, fat, spiky, horny... turtle. Mario's enemy. He is always the one who is guarding Princess Peach from Mario saving her. He's what makes the games fun... mwahaha.   
  
Lakitu: That weird guy who is always sitting on top of a cloud and dropping red spiky creatures down. Oh, and in Mario Kart he holds the starting light.  
  
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"Ummmm," Luigi stammered as Mario did a zombie-like walk out the door.  
  
"Wouldn't you just looooooooove a tan?" crooned the saleslady at the counter.  
  
"No!" Luigi yelped, then backed out of the store.   
  
Revenge. Sweet revenge... was what Luigi needed.   
  
He sat on a bench, thinking of a plan to foil the Peach/Mario plot. How COULD his own brother betray him like that? Mario knew that Luigi had a huge crush on... okay, maybe he didn't know. Oh, and Mario had betrayed him a million times before for being such a limelight hog.   
  
"Ah hah!" Luigi suddenly leapt out of his seat, causing Mario and Peach, who were walking by holding hands, to stare at him.   
  
"Ah, look, there's my kid brother," Mario said to Peach. "Doesn't he look so lame, sitting on that bench like that, SINGLE... ahah..."  
  
Luigi was beginning to boil with anger. "I... AM... NOT... LAME!"  
  
"Have pity on him, he's cute!" said Peach.  
  
"I am?" Luigi suddenly bolted out of his seat and stared into Peach's eyes expectantly.  
  
"In a little-kid way."  
  
"Oh." Luigi sighed.   
  
"Hey, you're supposed to show affection for your BOYFRIEND, not your boyfriend's... kid brother!" Mario yelled.  
  
Luigi shook a fist at him, but Mario didn't notice. He and Peach had started PDA'ing in the middle of the street.   
  
"Grrr... you made me forget my REVENGE PLAN... err... wait... pretend you never heard that..." Mario and Peach didn't notice. They were absorbed in each other.  
  
"Ah HAH!"   
  
Luigi had another plan. He sneakily headed off.   
  
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MEANWHILE... at the Mario Kart Grand Prix...  
  
"3... 2... 1..."   
  
"WAIT!" Luigi ran up and knocked the starting light out of Lakitu's hands. Lakitu began dropping Spikes angrily.  
  
"What?" Lakitu snapped.  
  
"I wanna race!!" Luigi yelled.  
  
"But you're too young... don't you have to be at least 18?"  
  
Bowser snickered.  
  
"I'M 22, YOU FOOL!" Luigi bellowed in Lakitu's face. Lakitu got knocked off his cloud.  
  
"Okay... get into Mario's car!" Lakitu shouted. Luigi happily hurried into Mario's car.   
  
"3... 2... 1... GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
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Five minutes later, Mario and Peach were STILL PDA'ing in the very same spot...  
  
... when eight cars ran them over.   
  
"HELP! Mario, save me!" Peach instinctly said. She'd been practicing that princess-in-peril cry for the last 20 years, and she had remained the same age. Or maybe it's just the makeup...  
  
"I'll save you!" Luigi got out of his car. A big WRONG WAY sign blocked his view, but Luigi didn't care.   
  
"Eeeeurgh! Urgh!" Luigi had just realized that he had forgotten to unbuckle his seatbelt.The Mario Kart R&R (Rules and Regulations) Committee had decided that seatbelts were a requirement, after the... um... incident.   
  
"Ooooo... oooooo..." Mario grunted stupidly. Luigi sadistically smiled, then bent to help Peach up.  
  
"Oh, Mario!" Peach cried.  
  
"I'M NOT MARIO! I'm LUIGI! Duh, look at me, I'm GREEN..." Luigi started babbling for five seconds, but then realized that it wouldn't make a very good impression on Peach. He pulled the rest of Peach up, but Peach flopped down again.  
  
"AAGH... I HATE work... um... okay... Peach, your knight in shining armor is here!" Luigi belted out.   
  
"I don't want no knight in shining armor, I want MARIO!" Peach yelled in Luigi's face. Luigi was shocked at Peach's sudden change of personality.  
  
"But..." Luigi protested.   
  
"Come on, Mario!" Peach got up and pulled Mario into Luigi's, er, Mario's kart. Peach drove away, leaving Luigi there, openmouthed and speechless.  
  
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When Luigi finally recovered from his openmouthed/speechless expression, he shook a fist at Mario (who was nowhere to be seen.) "I... I'LL SHOW YOU!" 


	4. Thin Air

Chapter 4  
  
Thin Air  
  
"Hooold on, Mario, we're almost there!" Peach shouted as she maneuvered past bananas and fake item boxes.  
  
Mario half-conciously murmured, "Huh? Peach? Where am..."  
  
"This is the Mario Kart Grand Prix... Let me focus..."  
  
"Hey! Let me have a turn behind the wheel!" Mario suddenly jerked out of his trance and knocked Peach over, causing the kart to turn backwards.   
  
"MARIO! We're about to finish!" Peach yelled, trying to get the kart moving straight again.  
  
"AND THE WINNER..."  
  
"WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! Hold on! Let me steer this..."   
  
"IS..."   
  
"But I didn't have a... a... GIMME!"  
  
"... DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DUM! ... BOWSER!"  
  
"HEY!" Peach scolded. "Wait! Now Bowser's..." Six other karts raced ahead of them to finish.  
  
"GRRRRR! We were about to finish in first, if it wasn't for YOU and your sudden stream of concious..."  
  
Peach stopped, when she suddenly heard a strange cracking noise.  
  
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"Hey, wait, why are we falling through thin air?" asked a newly concious Mario.  
  
"I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING!" Peach hollered in Mario's ear.   
  
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Meanwhile, in your computer room...  
  
You: *chuckles* Ooh, the breakup, the breakup!  
  
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"Yes, you do, since you are perfect with your perfect pearl eyes and your perfect crystal teeth and your perfect ocean-like drool and your... um... perfect ski-resort nose..." Mario went on, blinded by love.  
  
"EXCUSE ME," Peach yelled, "but my nose is NOT a ski resort!"  
  
"... and your perfect seashell ears, and your perfect... ohh... your body is a wonder..."  
  
"Oh, no," Peach groaned. "NOT THAT SONG AGAIN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
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Meanwhile, up on Earth...  
  
Luigi sighed, looking up at the sky. The sun had began to set. "If my plan had only worked... if I had saved Peach... we would be together now... at this very spot... um..."  
  
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"What?" Mario snapped out of his love-stricken confusion.   
  
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Peach screamed again.  
  
"Peach, will you explain what's happ..."  
  
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Nooooo! Noooooo! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."  
  
A second later, Mario thought that he saw a ghostlike figure in front of him. It was... familiar... and Peach was suddenly in his arms, unconcious...  
  
"Peach. What. Just. Happened."  
  
Peach bolted up. "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico."  
  
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Meanwhile, in your computer room...  
  
You: WHAT THE...  
  
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"But you don't have a car. You don't know what Geico is. FOR GOD'S SAKE, THIS ISN'T THE REAL WORLD!" yelled Mario.   
  
"Uhhhh... euurrnnngh... ngggg..." Peach moaned.  
  
Suddenly Mario's head hit something. A large red bump the size of a baseball swelled on the side of his head.  
  
"Great. Now I'm UGLY," Mario complained.  
  
"I never said you were ugly," Peach said. "You're very..."  
  
"Oh, good, Peach is back again," muttered Mario. "What happened to your alter ego?"  
  
"What alter ego?"  
  
Peach and Mario both jerked their heads backwards at this strange voice.  
  
"Ummm..." Mario said.  
  
"Ummmmm..." Peach said.  
  
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A/N: A little... weird I know. But the "alter ego" part is going to be explained later... 


	5. The Goomba of Doomba

Chapter 5  
  
The Goomba of Doomba  
  
("HEEY! HEEEEY! QUIT LAUGHIN' AT MY FREAKIN' NAME, PEOPLE!")  
  
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Anime sweatdrops appeared on both Mario's and Peach's foreheads. Facing them was a mushroom. With evil eyes. And fangs. And two feet. Otherwise known as... a Goomba. Traitor of the Mushroom Kingdom.   
  
"You betrayed us..." Mario started to say.  
  
"Ahem," the mushroom said.  
  
(A/N: I don't know if Goombas can talk, but I guess...)  
  
"I am the Goomba of Doomba."  
  
Mario and Peach looked at each other. Five seconds later, they fell over and started cracking up.  
  
"HAW... HAW... HAW... WE CAME ALL THE WAY HERE... FOR... A... LITTLE MUSHROOM... TO THREATEN US... HAW HAW HAW... AH HAHAH..."   
  
"SHUT UP!" the Goomba ordered. "Anyways, here are three Warp Pipes..."  
  
"WHAHAHAHAH WHAT A SILLY NAME... GWAHAHAHAH... GOOMBA... DOOMBA... HAW HAW..."  
  
"AAAARGHHH!" the Goomba of Doomba screamed. "Anyways, there are three... three.. pipes... Warp pipes... Pipes... SHUT UP!... Warp Pipes... that will... WILL YOU PLEASE... transport... Warp Pipes... QUIT LAUGHING AT MY NAME... Pipes... Pipes... ALL RIGHT! LAUGH ALL YOU WANT! Cuz I'M NOT GIVING YOU ANY MORE... STOOOOOOP IT... INFORM... WILLL YOU PLEASE... ATION! GRRRRRRRRRRR! NO MORE INFORMATION FOR YOU! SHUT UP! I HAVE LOOOOOOOOOOST IT!"  
  
Mario and Peach didn't hear any of this.  
  
"I HAVE LOOOOOOOOOOOST IT, YOU HEAR ME?!? LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST IT! CUT IT OUUUUUUUUUUUUT! I HAVE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."  
  
"FWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAH... STUPID NAME... HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW..."  
  
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I CAAAAAAAAAN'T TAAAAAAAAKE IT ANYMOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!"  
  
At this moment, four heads came into the corners of the... er, screen. "LET'S D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!" screamed the four heads simultaneously.  
  
"Yugi?!?" Mario asked.   
  
Yugi looked at Tristan, who looked at Tea, who looked at Joey.  
  
"Oops, sorry, wrong fanfic," Tea said hurriedly. The four exited.  
  
"ANYWAYS... AS I WAS SAYING..." the Goomba of Doomba hollered.  
  
"We don't care what you're saying," Mario snapped down at the Goomba. Three seconds later Mario stepped on it.   
  
"My hero..." Peach groveled down at Mario's feet.  
  
"Anytime," Mario randomly replied. "Come on, let's randomly jump in to any random one..." Mario said randomly, and randomly jumped into a random Warp Pipe. Notice the randoms.  
  
Peach pulled her dress up to prepare to jump into the Warp Pipe, but suddenly she was struck with a random amnesia attack.  
  
"Which one was it?"  
  
"Ummm... I think I'll pick this one..."  
  
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A/N: Very short and random chapter, I know.... anyways, tell me what you think? 


	6. An Innocent Pile of Crap

Chapter 6  
  
An Innocent Pile of Crap  
  
New Characters:  
  
Wario: A fat, egostistical brat whose only talents are eating, bragging, vegging out in front ot the TV, and shoving. Hey, I don't know why, but two words just came into my head. "Mr." and "Krohn". Never mind that. Wario is Mario's rival.  
  
Waluigi: Wario's brother. Unlike Wario, he's super-tall, about seven feet (while Wario stands about... three point five, I'd say) and super-skinny. Sneaky and clever, he loves evil plans and foiling good plans. Oh, and by the way he's Luigi's rival. And also very egotistical.  
  
Koopa: A Koopa is a cute little turtle working for Bowser. Don't ask me why. There are millions out there...  
  
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"HA HA! SIXTY GRAND PRIX VICTORIES IN A ROW! BEAT THAT! FWAHAHAHAHA! NOBODY CAN BEAT ME! I AM A WAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRIOR! EVERYONE SHALL NOW BOW DOWN TO ME! PWAHAHAHAHAH! *makes random turtle noises* I AM MAGNIFICENT! I AM INVINCIBLE! I AM UNBEATABLE! And, yes, I know that the two previous words are the same, but who cares?!? Anyways... SIXTY IN A ROW! I AM A WORLD RECORD HOLDER! PERFECT SCORES TOO! *makes more random turtle noises* I AM KING! AND NOW, LISTEN TO ME! A-A-Ahem... *makes even MORE random turtle noises* THE KING PROCLAIMS THAT MARIO KART BE RENAMED... BOWSER KART! KWAHAHAHAHAHAH! *FINALLY, the rest of the random turtle noises that everyone has been anticipating*"  
  
Well, there goes Bowser, bragging away about his sixtieth Grand Prix victory. Well, people, stop whining about the Peach/Mario plotline. Bowser needs a turn, too, you know...  
  
"AND NOW, I WILL GO OFF ON AN EATING SPREE!" Bowser thudded off, knocking down the gates of the racetrack and heading to Wario's All-I-Can-Eat Buffet.   
  
Five minutes later, Bowser arrived. He opened the creaky doors. As usual, there was Wario racing around as fast as his stubby legs could carry his 308-pound build...  
  
Wario: I am NOT 308 pounds! IDIOTS! I just like to layer! Underneath all those clothes is a slim, trim, looker! (A/N: Yes, I got that from the WarioWorld guidebook...)  
  
.. Ah, whatever. Anyways, as I was saying before the HOG got in the way, Wario was racing around as fast as his stubby legs could carry his 308-pound build - around the buffet tables, that was. Apparently not realizing that he was knocking over chairs, tables, drink dispensers, etc. Yes, Wario was stuffing his face with every food in the buffet, which dozens of Koopas had tirelessly worked to prepare. Nobody else was in the buffet. Except Waluigi, cowering in a corner, whining, "But I want some food!"  
  
Bowser ran through the door, making a Bowser-shaped crack in the wall.   
  
"HEY!" Wario instantly stopped, allowing food to dribble down his quadruple chin and beefy neck. "THIS IS MINE! ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL MINE!"  
  
"OH YEAH?!? " Bowser took a step forward.   
  
Wario looked up, intimidated. He wasn't used to customers talking back to him.  
  
"WHO SAYS?!?" Bowser thundered.  
  
"Umm... ummm... ummmm.... I DO!"   
  
"WELL, SAY NO MORE!" Bowser ran up to the buffet table that Wario was hoggishly eating at...  
  
Wario: SAMPLING!! I was SAMPLING!!!   
  
Okay, fine, SAMPLING... and Bowser ate the table whole. Including Wario, who had been standing on top of the table. "Ummm... ummm... ummm..." Wario's remains dribbled down Bowser's chin. "That was gooooood..." Meanwhile, millions of Wario fans wept bitterly, tears flowing down their hard-earned quadruple chins.  
  
Waluigi inched back. "Don't... eat... me!"   
  
"AH! IT'S ANOTHER MEAL!" Bowser ran up to Waluigi and ate him whole. "Ummmm... umm.... ummmm...." Waluigi's remains dribbled down Bowser's chin. "That was gooood..." Meanwhile, millions of Waluigi fans wept bitterly, tears flowing down their hard-earned pointy chins.   
  
Not more than ten seconds had passed by before Bowser had scooped up all 49 of the remaining buffet tables and eaten them whole. "Ummmm... ummm... ummm..." The buffet tables' remains dribbled down Bowser's chin. "That was goooooood..." Meanwhile, millions of buffet table fans wept bitterly, tears flowing down their hard-earned... um, square chins.  
  
"I'M... STILL... HUNGRY! I... WANT... MORE!" Bowser demanded. Fortunately, all of the Koopas had escaped out the Koopa-shaped emergency exit.  
  
A just-gained-3000-pounds-but-that's-nothing Bowser stomped out the Bowser-shaped crack in the wall. He started sprinting and eating everything in sight. When he had eaten everything in his limited vision, he jumped up and down angrily. "GIMME... MORE... FOOOOOOOOOOOD!"  
  
To make a long story short: The floor cracked, Bowser fell through, and he ended up in a strange room with three Warp Pipes and an innocent pile of crap in front of the pipes. Hmmm, I have a feeling I've got deja vu again. But then again, I'm crazy, so who are you to believe me? Or maybe it was in the last chapter but I am too dense to notice. Oh, wait. That's unlikely...  
  
You guessed it. Bowser immediately ate the pile of crap.   
  
He lunged for the first Warp Pipe, which was made out of straw. Easily he ate it.  
  
He lunged for the second Warp Pipe, which was made out of sticks. Easily he ate it.  
  
He then lunged for the third Warp Pipe. It was made out of bricks. Weirdly, he couldn't eat it... "HEY, WHAT THE Fcensored..." Bowser shouted, before hearing a strange little voice coming from... somewhere.   
  
"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"  
  
"Oh, fine! Fine! I'll jump down this one. But there better be something good to eat down there, cuz I'm STILL HUNGRY!" Bowser yelled. He jumped down the pipe. 


	7. Egotism's Angels

Chapter 7  
  
Egotism's Angels  
  
"Huh? Where are we?" Waluigi cluelessly asked.  
  
Toothpick-skinny Waluigi and his piggy brother Wario were rising up, up, and away. And don't ask me how Wario can rise, seeing as he's 308 pounds...  
  
Wario: I am NOT!  
  
Waluigi: Right. You're 309.  
  
Anyways, they were rising. "Correction: Where am I?" Wario corrected. "Because YOU don't matter..."  
  
"OH YEAH?!?" Waluigi shot back. "YOUR Acensored IS SO FAT... um... your acensored is so fat... fat... that when you sat on that Yoshi's tail, we had to rename him 'Beavershi'!"  
  
"AH, HAH, HAH, HAH? THAT'S THE BEST YOU CAN DO?!?" Wario laughed. "You're pathe..."  
  
"To heaven or to hell?" asked a random voice.  
  
"Huh?" The Wario brothers spun around. Correction: WaLUIGI spun around, while Wario attempted to pivot, fell down, made a fool of himself in getting back up, attempted to pivot again, made an even BIGGER fool of himself in getting back up, attempted to just jump 180 degrees, fell down, and now he was lying like a deflated beach ball on... a white cloud. And don't ask me how he got there either. Oh, yeah, and he made the biggest fool of himself ever, he was a new world record holder.   
  
Guinness People: *rush to the scene* Ohh! It's a new world record! We went to the trouble of dying just to interview you! Aren't you PROUD of us?... so anyways, what's your name?  
  
Wario: Go away. *pushes them into the gates of hell*  
  
"I said, to heaven or to hell?"   
  
"Huh?" the Wario brothers said again.  
  
"ARGH..." The random person marched up to Wario and cleared all the earwax out of his ears. He then proceeded to do the same to Waluigi. "There. That's better. Now, to heaven or to hell?"  
  
"Huh?"   
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell moaned. Then he looked down at his index finger. "Ewwwwwwwww! Grooooooooss!"  
  
"Oh, hi," Waluigi said eagerly. "Can you give me some food?"  
  
"We can't eat," Wario snapped. "We're dead."  
  
"Wait. We're dead?"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The Wario Brothers squirmed around on the floor, making unidentified Wario noises.   
  
"OKAY, I'LL SAY THIS ONE LAST TIME. TO HEAVEN OR TO HELL?!?!?!?!?!?"  
  
Wario somehow managed to get up. "So we're dead because those stupid Guinness people said that they went to all the trouble of dying just to interview us?"  
  
"OMG... I'M DEAD..." Waluigi was having spasms. "I'M... DEEEEEAAAAD... I'MMMMM... DEEEE... Oh, wait, cool! I'm dead!" Waluigi bolted up. "COOOOL! Now I can terrorize that Mario person on his dumb quest to recover the Shine Sprites!"  
  
"Not that again!" Wario wailed.   
  
-- FLASHBACK --  
  
"All right, Wario. Mario's future is in our hands. All we have to do is get down this Warp Pipe! Fwahaha!" A very eager Waluigi chuckled.   
  
"Fine, but if I can't fit down this Warp Pipe then..."  
  
"Who are you kidding? Of COURSE you'll fit down there." Waluigi was being unusually optimistic. "I mean, I can fit down there..."  
  
"NGGGGGGGGG! I'M STUUUUUUUUUCK!" Wario wailed.   
  
"Oh, nevermind," Waluigi muttered.  
  
-- END FLASHBACK --  
  
"Ah, hah... I remember that. We had to call Triple A to come and tow you out of there! That was one of the funniest..." Waluigi started randomly giggling.  
  
"SHUT UP!" Wario yelled.  
  
"TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAVEN... OR... TO..."  
  
"Oh, wait! Wait! Wait! We're good! We're good! No, really, we are!" Waluigi suddenly realized that Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell was actually saying something.  
  
"Yeah! We're good! We spent all our lives donating to the International... um..." Wario was thinking.  
  
"... um... Find-A-Cure-For... Potbellyemia! Foundation! Before we got attacked by a giant..." Waluigi tried to help him out.  
  
Wario gave Waluigi a look.   
  
"... umm... caterpillar!" Waluigi finished.  
  
"A veeeery likely story," muttered Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell sarcastically. "And I suppose your brother over there suffered from... Potbellyemia?"  
  
Wario had had it. He ran up to Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell and socked him in the nose.  
  
"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwie!" Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell screamed.  
  
"OPEN THE GATE TO HEAVEN OR ELSE I WILL DO IT AGAIN!" ordered Wario.  
  
Without saying anything, Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell robotically marched over to Heaven's gate and opened the gate. Wario and Waluigi stomped in, leaving Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell flat on the ground.  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"So this is heaven..." Wario's eyes turned into big juicy burgers.  
  
"So this is heaven..." Waluigi's eyes turned into lean, skinny hot dogs.  
  
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." They both fell to the ground.  
  
"OMG... look... it's the Wario Brothers!" "How the hell did they get into heaven?" (Hey, it's a new Top 20 oxymoron!) "Tsk tsk... blackmail..."  
  
"Hey. Why are they talking about us?" Waluigi sat up, and saw angels. He also saw his round brother.   
  
With wings.  
  
Waluigi immediately fell to the ground again.  
  
"Wario... has... wings..." he half-conciously muttered.  
  
"I HAVE WINGS?!?"   
  
"Oh, cool, I can fly! Wheeeee!" Wario lifted three feet up into the air.  
  
"And you don't get weighed down and thud to the ground?!?" Waluigi's hotdog-eyes were wide.  
  
"Hey, shut up!" Wario yelled, and lifted four more feet up.  
  
"Hey, look, I have wings, too!" Waluigi said happily. He circled around Wario's head.  
  
"HEY! GET BACK HERE!" Wario chased Waluigi around the gate.  
  
"Hey, the Wario Brothers are actually getting along. Shocker. Wow," said a random saint.  
  
"Hey, let's quit saying 'Hey' at the beginning of every sentence," said another random saint.  
  
"Hey, I agree with you," said a third random saint.  
  
"Ummm, I'm getting tired," Wario admitted after five seconds of exercise. "Pant... pant... pant... I think I'm just going to drop to the ground..." Wario quit fluttering his wings and began falling at about 500 miles an hour.  
  
"WARIO?!? YOU JUST FELL OFF THE EDGE!! Oh, coooool! Now I have the whole heaven to myself!" Fifty hundred saints glared at Waluigi. "Oh, oops. I mean... it seems like that since he was so fat..."  
  
"YOU WIENER!" Wario yelled from about 4000 feet below.  
  
"I... AM... NOT... A..." Foam started rushing to Waluigi's lips. "... WIENER!" Waluigi chased after Wario, falling at about... 5 miles an hour. "Hey, not fair, why do I have to be the one who's 95 pounds?"  
  
"YOU'RE 95 POUNDS?!?" Wario yelled in shock and awe.  
  
"WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN 309!!"   
  
"Three oh EIGHT! EIGHT! GOT THAT?!?"  
  
"No, I haven't got..."  
  
*voices fade out into distance*  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Meanwhile, inside Hell's Gate:  
  
Guinness Person: Not fair, we went to all the trouble of jumping around like idiots waving in the middle of the freeway to be in HELL?!? NOT FAIR!!!  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
A/N: By the way, I'm not trying to be religious in any way. I'm not even religious at all... 


	8. AAAAttack!

Chapter 8  
  
A-A-A-ATTACK!   
  
To Make A Long Story Short:   
  
Wario hit the ground, it naturally fell through, and where did he land?   
  
In a black room with nothing more than a Warp Pipe... oh... yeah.... I know... I promise this will be the last time this boring, repetitive room is mentioned.  
  
Me: mentions boring, repetitive room  
  
Oh. Sorry. Anyways, he landed in a... .... .... room. Shortly after Waluigi cruised by, also falling into the ... ... .... room.   
  
"Whee! Fun fun fun! That was fun! Hahaha!" Waluigi went on.   
  
Wario punched Waluigi's waist, which was the highest spot he could reach. "Get back to reality, man," he snapped. "And, by the way, 'reality' is the fact that I CAN'T fit down this Warp Pipe? I need one of those little swirlie thingies that you hop into and swirl around like in Wario Land 4!"  
  
"I thought I told you to go on a diet."   
  
"I DID go on a diet."  
  
"Oh, yeah, and WHAT kind of quack 'diet'..." Waluigi looked like any minute he was going to start rolling on the floor laughing.  
  
"And it's WORKING."  
  
"Um, and how?"  
  
"Today, when I put on my yellow shirt, there was enough room for an ANT to fit in there with me!" Wario looked proud of his achievement.  
  
Waluigi gave in and started rolling on the floor laughing. "But... that... was... your... HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA... loosest... shirt!"   
  
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... Didn't I vow to only eat chocolate products for the rest of the year? Cuz that leads to malnutrition, which leads to skinniness, which leads to GLORY! Oh, and that does not mean that YOU are glorious, 98-Pound Boy."  
  
It was too late. Waluigi had already jumped down the pipe, with enough room for a billion ants to fit in there with him.  
  
Wario just stood there, staring at the pipe, trying to think of a solution. (A/N: I know he's too dumb to do that, but what else could he think of? Cheese?) Then, he got it. "I GOT IT!"   
  
"I'll jump into this pipe headfirst! I AM ALL MIGHTY! And I will show that bony Waluigi boy that I'M NOT FAT, I'M JUST BIG BONED! SO THEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!"  
  
My Science Teacher: Uh, actually, there is no such thing as big bones. Everyone's bones are about the same size. It's just the shocking amount of fat that is making 65 percent of America obese... Blah blah blah...  
  
Wario: SHUT UP! And I don't even live in this America place, anyways. I live in WARIO WORLD, where everyone is FAT! (obviously forgetting about his 98-pound counterpart)  
  
So he did his patented Wario victory pose, took hold of his ingenious new plan, and jumped in there headfirst.  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
FIVE SECONDS LATER.  
  
"EUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH! GET ME OUUUUUUUUUT OF HEEEEEEEEERE! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" Wario hollered, kicking his legs furiously. Of course, he was staring into a big black emptiness, but his butt had gotten stuck at the top. So there he was. Looking like a big fool - oh wait, he is a big fool. Didn't I say that already? "WHAT THE F... CALL AAA! NOOOOOOW!"  
  
He heard a thud. Six more thuds. "American Automobile Association here, how may we help you?"  
  
"GRRRR... MY FREAKIN' BUTT IS STUCK... AAAAAARGH..."  
  
"Oh." An AAA crew member smirked. "Again? DIdn't we tell you to go on a..."  
  
".. Diet? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I went on a diet. It's not me! These Warp Pipes have gotten skinnier! And out of lack of consideration for BIG-BONED people, the Mushroom Kingdom has agreed to make Warp Pipes the only acceptable form of transportation! GRRRRRRRRRRR!..."  
  
"Um, right. Oookay. Yeah."  
  
The next thing Wario felt was the sensation of sharp objects poking his butt. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO USE OOOOOOOOOOIL!" No answer. The sensation kept on growing, and he kept on kicking his legs. Every ten seconds, he would kick an AAA member in the face, which gave him pleasure. "WHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
The sharp objects didn't stop.  
  
"QUIT IT! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, A BUNCH OF NINJAS?!?" Wario screamed.  
  
Suddenly, they stopped.   
  
"IT WORK..." Wario began to do his victory pose, and realized he didn't have enough room. Instead, he heard tittering and whispering. "WHAT?!? WHAT?!? TELL ME! TELL ME! NOOOOOOOOOOW! I DEMAND TO KNOW..."  
  
The AAA grew silent. There was a sound of whipping off clothes.  
  
"Actually, we are ninjas." 


End file.
